l i g h t | look for light and you will find it.
Lately I've been feeling numb and unmotivated (among other things), a sign depression has slowly crept its way back into my life, it's sneaky like that. Six-seven weeks ago I found myself severely depressed, I was suicidal and it was the scariest experience of my life. I couldn't eat, I barely had the energy to move, I hadn't been sleeping, I was forgetful, I cried a lot, the world looked dull, I couldn't concentrate, I was a mess. Then something inside me broke. It was a Thursday, Justin had flown back to work and I had completely broken. Somehow I managed to get Izzy ready for school and at some stage during that process I decided how I was going to kill myself. Depression had me almost convinced the world and those I loved would be better off without me around. It had me convinced enough that I had decided how to do it, right down to making a mental note about asking mum to pick Izzy up from school because I wouldn't be there to do it. I dropped her at school and sat in my car, in the garage, for at least an hour unable to move. I thought about driving myself to the hospital but I didn't have the energy, I thought about all the ways Justin and Izzy would be better off with me not being here, how much better off they would be being free of me and everything that came with that. Just thinking about how I felt in that moment has put tears in my eyes, it was such a lonely, painful and scary place to be. Thankfully there was a tiny bit left in me that didn't want to believe what my brain was telling me, that didn't want to give up on this experience, that didn't want to leave the people I love and I managed to force myself to reach out. I messaged my friend (that term doesn't come close to doing her or our relationship justice) Monroe, I told her exactly what was going on and she was there with me from that moment on. It was okay for me to be feeling like that, I didn't need to think or worry, I could just 'be' and it was okay. She made sure I was safe and loved me as I was, in that moment. Selfless, unconditional love is a beautiful thing and I feel so lucky to have her light in my life.
Depression is a harsh teacher but I'm happy to be learning, regardless of where the lessons are coming from or how shitty it feels in the process. I started slowly trying to heal my body and my brain, cutting processed junk from my diet, exercising, taking supplements, making sure I was getting enough sleep and by being brutally honest with myself. I slowly started to feel better and then even better than better. No feeling is final though, is it?! Getting to a good place doesn't mean you're guaranteed to stay there forever. Feelings and experiences will come and go and I am happily at a point where I just want to try and make the best of all of it. There is so much light, so much good to be found, everywhere, in everything. Even in the hard times, the painful times, the times where you feel like you can't stand to face another moment.
I feel so grateful for depression, for everything it's taught and is teaching me about myself. I feel so grateful for the people in my life and just for my life in general. It's helped to strengthen my desire to work towards putting as much love, acceptance and positivity out into the world as I can.
If you're struggling, I promise you there's light to be found amongst it all and I will always be here to help you find/see it, if you need ♥